


Shattering wor(l)ds

by Szim



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: "Was I ever enough?", Arguing, Day 2, Gen, Insecurity, Mentions of Mental Illness, and unhealthy friendship, phone calls/texts, written for haikyuuangstweek2020
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-02
Updated: 2020-11-02
Packaged: 2021-03-09 06:40:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,362
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27346762
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Szim/pseuds/Szim
Summary: Tsukishima Kei was a man of pride, so he wasn’t keen on the idea to go to Yamaguchi and actually ask what was happening between them. So, he did not.For a while, anyways, as after weeks of loneliness, he realised that he lost something unexplainable, yet so precious something.
Relationships: Tsukishima Kei & Yamaguchi Tadashi
Kudos: 7
Collections: Haikyuu Angst Week 2020





	Shattering wor(l)ds

The day they went back to school after the long summer holiday, Yamaguchi didn’t flock to him like usual, which didn’t even register with Tsukishima, until it was time for practise, where he met him, and had to actually interact with him to some degree.

He didn’t really mind it, Yamaguchi always came to him when he wanted, followed him like it was a must, so one more day without him or not wouldn’t make a change. Secretly, he kind of enjoyed being alone in school for a change. After all, he didn’t like boredom, and repetitiveness brings that.

But then, it went on. Yamaguchi continued this not following him, not bothering him, not talking to him and he really started to think when exactly Yamaguchi became ingrained in his daily routine and tasks and into his mind, because it started to get really lonely. Being alone wasn’t as good when he actually did it alone. Even the times when he complained about him being there, brought such joy and happiness along with them when he remembered… 

And, the phone calls and texts stopped too, now that he thought about it. But those stopped much more earlier, after a week or so of the start of the summer holiday. 

Now, that he was aware of these facts, the question was: why?

Why did Yamaguchi stop? As far as Tsukishima was concerned, the boy wasn’t the type to give up, especially their self-proclaimed friendship. Were they friends? Tsukishima didn’t think so, for very long, years even, but in the end, he realised that he got used to the other’s presence, his friendship and everything he offered for him. Because he did. He was certain, now that he could see the big space his absence left in him. It was awful. He felt awful. But why? Why did he even care?

Tsukishima Kei was a man of pride, so he wasn’t keen on the idea to go to Yamaguchi and actually ask what was happening between them. So, he did not. 

For a while, anyways, as after weeks of loneliness, he realised that he lost something unexplainable, yet so precious something. True, devoted friendship.

...but was it true if he just left him alone like this out of nowhere? 

He sighed, and pushed this thought to the back of his mind for the time being, he couldn’t jump to conclusions without information, after all.

On a fine Saturday morning, he called Yamaguchi. His phone rang for quite a while, and he wondered if the other ever left him waiting like this, but he didn’t have any memories of situations like this, and thus, he was reminded of the fact that usually Yamaguchi was the one who initiated the calls. He furrowed his brows after this. But before he could think more, Yamaguchi picked up.

“T-tsukki?” came his squeaky voice, which meant that he was surprised beyond himself, and Tsukishima was surprised just how much he knew the other after this much time. It wasn’t surprising, yet he felt everything brand new. As if coming back from amnesia.

“Yamaguchi,” he replied, affirming. Then, he found that he was at a loss of words. He didn’t know what to say, or more exactly, how to say what he wanted to. Phrasing was always his thing, words were his weapons… and yet, he found he didn’t want to mess this up. Not with Yamaguchi. He didn’t want to hurt him unnecessarily. He was the only one he knew that didn’t deserve such cruel words that usually left his mouth. 

He frowned to himself once again at his thoughts. What was happening to him? A few weeks without Yamaguchi and this happens? Turning him inside out? Yamaguchi’s voice snapped him back to reality after getting lost in his thoughts once again.

“Tsukki, is something the matter?”

“I… just wanted to ask what was the reason behind your lack of presence.” He said in the end, and Tsukishima almost cursed himself, as it sounded too haughty and indifferent even to his own ears. Great, he messed up. 

“...lack of presence? Ah, right, you noticed. I wondered if you ever would or not.” Yamaguchi’s voice didn’t sound hurt or surprised. It sounded calm, serious and tired. So very unlike him. Tsukishima started wondering if he was dreaming.

“Of course I noticed. I am not blind. Now, tell me why-” he started, but got interrupted by the other.

“No, I am not going to explain himself because you told me to. Especially that this is the first time since we talk to each other outside of school since the start of the summer holiday. And before you ask, yes that was almost four months ago! But did you want to talk to me? Noooo, Tsukishima doesn’t need stupid Yamaguchi! Why would he want to talk to him? He is just a no one! A stupid follower! Who always annoys the King of Sarcasm!” Tsukishima wasn’t one to openly display his feelings, but now, he couldn’t help but to gasp, astonished for the first time in his life in such great depth. 

He tried to find his voice, to talk back, to reply, to say anything or make any noise, but it was too hard. He could only heave short breaths, but to his utter shock, Yamaguchi was not finished, it seemed, because he continued his rant. Was it called rant if he said it calmly? Why did he say these things so calmly? How could he? Where was his shy and awkward Yamaguchi? 

“...and not even mentioning how I thought that you may eventually realise and miss me, then you would call me or send a text, but nothing! Nothing came, Tsukki! I was so sad, thinking about if it was because of me? Did I do something wrong? My insecurities were eating me alive, and then, and then it got worse! Can you even imagine how I felt? I guess not, because you didn’t call, but that’s okay. I guess I was right and you didn’t even see me as a friend. And to think that I was being there for literal years! All that wasted on you! And I can’t even be mad about it. Now, I am not. I am just sad, that after all of these, after this much I gave to you from me, you still thought it was something you deserved just for existing, you took everything granted, you spoiled child, too deep in your own self-misery over something that was years ago, which wasn’t even that big! But nonetheless, I did not care about that, I supported that, supported you, any and every time you needed me. Did I get a thank you? Not even that. And I didn’t mind it. I wasn’t doing it for a thank you, or anything the like. I just… thought…” he stopped, and Tsukishima heard him sigh deeply, slowly, as if to calm himself. He could even hear the slight noise of Yamaguchi changing his position, he was that silent, focused on this conversation. His full attention on Yamaguchi, probably for the first time, ever. 

He was scared to take a breath even, fearing that it would end the call, this sudden stupor that bewitched Yamaguchi. 

“You know what, I know you don’t like long explanations, as they bore you, so I won’t go into details anymore. Just, please, one last question.” Tsukishima waited intently for that question, noticing his body shaking. In anticipation? Fear? Regret? He didn’t know, nor did he have time to deduce the reason, because Yamaguchi continued.

“ _ Was I ever enough? _ ”

The question rang loud and clear, and it shattered Tsukishima’s fragile world. The silence after this heavy question was deafening and all he could do was trying to keep afloat, to give an answer.

But he couldn’t answer. Because, sadly he knew the truth. 

However ashamed of this he was at the moment, Tsukishima Kei knew that Yamaguchi was never enough for him.

“...thought so. Bye, Tsukki. Live well.” Then a click indicated the end of the call, and Tsukishima was left there, in the middle of the shards that were his world.

**Author's Note:**

> I actually wanted to write something Yamaguchi-centric, but then it turned out the other way, and this happened to the arguing scene too... as in the end, Tsukki couldn't argue back, as I planned.  
> Anyways, thanks for reading it! Feedback is welcomed as always :)


End file.
